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Eating McDonald’s John Stinson Style

May 1, 2012

Each arch represents the average number of heart bypasses customers can expect to receive after walking out the door.

Yesterday I was flying from the East Coast to the West Coast.  As always on domestic flights, the airline whets your appetite with crackers and peanuts then lets you salivate for the next several hours.  I made a stop in Chicago-Midway.  On my way to the next gate, I passed a McDonald’s.

Immediately I remembered how many times I pulled into their parking lot, used their free internet, and drove off while I was driving across the country.  I meant to buy something, I really did… later.  This was a chance to make up for a few purchases I never made, and get the cheapest food in the airport in the process.

Besides, I was in Chicago: One of the last great strongholds of greasy American foods outside of New Jersey.  Since I wasn’t able to get out of the airport to clog my arteries, I’d have to do the best I could with what I had.

Generally, I don’t intentionally eat at McDonald’s.  I find the place repulsing on many levels.  It’s the sort of place I eat at when I don’t have much in my wallet or I’m starving to death.  I may eat there 3 times a year.

I stopped eating there when I was about 12.  When I lived in Europe, McDonald’s was a decent place to eat.  It’s still fast food, but it wasn’t disgusting.  It all ended when we came back the US.  I ordered a Big Mac, excited to eat something I was familiar with and enjoyed.  When I bit into it—I can’t describe the flavor, it seems I’ve blocked it out—I nearly vomited.  I’m not the type to waste food, but I ejected it from my mouth as fast as I could and immediately refused to take another bite.  That was the last time I ate a Big Mac.

I do have one exception to the “No-Eating-At-McDonald’s” rule… ok, I can compromise in a few ways if I’m honest.  Never mind that.  The only thing I ever intentionally go to McDonald’s for is their Sundaes and their Apple Pies.  Mind you, I don’t ever go to McDonald’s for either of them by themselves.  They can only be eaten together.  Unfortunately, the food still sucks, which is why I still only go about 3 times a year.

The John Stinson Method of Enjoying a McDonald’s Sundae:

Step 1. Purchase one ice cream sundae (flavor of your choice), and two apple pies.

Step 2. Throw away complimentary spoon.

Step 3. Open hot apple pie and use to scoop ice cream into your mouth.

Step 4. Repeat with other apple pie.

Step 5. Dig spoon out of garbage and use to eat remaining ice cream.

So, it doesn’t work all that well, but it tastes really good.  Usually my apple pie falls apart in my ice cream sundae, or the ice cream is either too hard to scoop out or it’s melty and spills over the side of the plastic cup.  Still, it’s full of healthy ingredients like milk, wheat, sugar, apples, and sugar.

You should try it.

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